Are you and your spouse/partner stuck, hurting and confused in the aftermath of an affair? If yes, then you aren’t alone. In fact, many couples like you find themselves reeling and filled with painful emotions, asking, “Now what?”
If it feels like the bottom fell out of the life you built together, then it’s time to seek help. Your relationship will not fix itself over time if this violation is ignored and not attended to.
How Destructive Is an Affair?
Infidelity is one of the most volatile and painful events that can happen to a marriage or love relationship. Affairs create deep damage to couples and they often never recover their closeness and trust without some type of therapeutic intervention.
However, in order to successfully use counseling, you both need to commit to repairing your relationship and to participating in couple therapy for infidelity. Otherwise, your relationship will probably deteriorate, become unhappy and smolder with anger, resentment and distrust.
Why Do Couples Resist Seeking Out Therapy for Infidelity?
After an affair, some couples don’t seek out a therapist for a number of reasons:
- They deny and minimize the damage of infidelity.
- One partner is afraid and refuses to participate in therapy.
- It makes them feel weak if they need to depend on a professional.
- One partner immediately separates and files for divorced.
- The hurt partner decides to be a miserable victim.
- They both feel hopeless, get depressed and never take action.
- The hurt partner fears abandonment and needs the other partner’s money.
- They fear the relationship may explode and end in divorce.
- They fear that therapy may trigger aggression, arguments or violence.
- One partner is very needy and dependent.
- One partner may feel worthless and non-deserving of an honest relationship.
- One partner threatens to leave if the other one seeks therapy.
- One partner is afraid to uncover other affairs that may have taken place.
- They cannot afford therapy.
As you can see from the list above, there are all sorts of reasons (reasonable and unreasonable) why partners don’t seek therapy after an affair. Usually, it is out of fear of the imagined negative consequences if they engage in therapy.
What Are the Consequences If We Don’t Get Involved in Therapy?
- Perpetual arguments and hurtful references to and memories of the infidelity.
- Inability to re-ignite love, affection and intimacy.
- More affairs may occur.
- Eventual separation and divorce.
- Hatred, resentment and/or distrust of the unfaithful partner.
- Unhappy family relations resulting in depression.
- Gradual erosion of the relationship.
- Inability to re-bond or re-attach.
Why Should We Get Started in Therapy for Infidelity?
Although we can predict that counseling will be emotionally intense, it usually activates hope that the relationship can be repaired and re-ignited. Without attending to the breach in trust with some outside assistance, it is doubtful that the relationship will be a happy one far into the future.
Relationships don’t fix themselves. It takes honest effort to keep a relationship alive, loving and gratifying. If you don’t take significant action and avoid therapy, don’t expect things to change for the better in your relationship/marriage.
Therapy for Infidelity May Be Your Best Choice.
Because an affair is so disturbing to the hurt one and so damaging to relationships, you usually won’t be able to work things out satisfactorily on your own.
I don’t mean to be pessimistic or negative, but this type of relationship violation is often too stressful for couples to manage and repair on their own. At best, the spouses/partners may work some things out and make some improvement over time. But, one or both partners may slowly smolder and hold resentments against the other one. This resentment breeds depression, hopelessness, anger, loneliness and unhappiness. And that’s painful – much more painful over an extended period of time than immediately and openly dealing with the affair directly with a trusted therapist.
Marriages and love relationships can be repaired however it takes effort, time and faith. If relationships are not nurtured and attended to, they can dry up, go stale and become boring.
All couples wrestling with infidelity need to decide in what direction they will move – toward improved communication and repair work or into floundering and distrust.
Don’t Be Afraid to Do This Intense Healing Work.
I’m here to help you both and this therapy for infidelity is well worth the effort.
Why? Because otherwise you may end up carrying negative feelings inside yourself for the remainder of your life. Together in counseling, there is a good chance that you can process the pain and pursue the peace and forgiveness in your relationship that you long for. It may save your relationship.
I am very supportive of marriage and fulfilling love relationships. At times, however, they suffer.
If you want to find out more about my “Therapy for Infidelity”, click on this link: http://www.drrevelmiller.com/what-we-treat/therapy-for-infidelity/
If you are interested in finding a therapist, read my other blog article called “How to Find and Assess an Infidelity Therapist”. Click on the link below to visit this article: http://www.drrevelmiller.com/2019/10/how-do-we-find-and-assess-an-infidelity-therapist/